The day I've been afraid of.

Today is the first day that I wrote my thoughts down on paper.

Earlier this afternoon, I was forwarded an email. A heavy hearted e-mail that was just too much for me so i had to take a walk. So i walk to my favorite spot in Paris for a breather. But today is a gloomy day. I am lost in thoughts...in words...in emotions. Sitting at the spot in Paris where I found myself, I am lost. The sky is raining tears, for today is the day that I've always been afraid of. The day that it'd be one of ours. The e-mail reads "yesterday at 1pm, one of our sasc/seayl student Alan, was found in his car...alone...shot in the head". Alan, who put his name in my phone as "Alan Digity Dog". Who outlined the only SASC banner that we have before we painted it. Who always sent me funny texts during holidays. E v e r y holiday. Someone I should have texted more. Someone I should have called more. Someone whose hugs I rarely receive because he never comes to mentorship, but when I do get it, it's the feeling that makes me feel like i should take the time to follow up with him more. Whose keychain that I made for him in Thailand 2 years ago is still in my closet because I've always thought, "i can give it to him next time". Someone whom I wish i could have hugged one last time. I've always wondered when am I a good mentor? when do i fail as a mentor? when will i take the initiative and pay attention to the ones who don't show up? what could have been said that wasn't said that coulda made it differerent? The shoulda, coulda, woulda ran through my head. Images of the first meeting of "hope" written on the large posted-sticky before Seayl became SEAM flashes back and forth. Sitting at these high steps along the river, I've always been afraid of falling off into the river because of height, so i never allowed myself to 100% feel the rhythm of the waves along the river. But today I am not afraid. Today my body is numbed...my heart is heavy...and I am just...sad.

Please keep me updated on any other info. I hope you are all having the chance to process things and will have the energy to heal and create the venue for our youth to heal. My heart is with you.

Rest in heaven Alan Digity Dog