9

9 months went by so fast. yet some times i feel like I'm at the same place I was 9 months ago. because she still interrupts the melodies that puts me to sleep. still creeps into my subconsciousness and slaps me so hard i came back to reality, but only to realize that the only difference between my dreams and reality is how long the pain lasts.

i reflect a lot. useless. ALL the damn time. why think about things we can't change. why reevaluate the woulda shoulda coulda when really, you're just where you are and you can't go back neither can you forward to the future. shit happens. ctrl-z only exists on your keyboard.

and so i think about how in my last relationshit, i spent so much time trying to fit in this power dynamics of a relationship. so much that i lost all of my self a long the way and never expressed my feelings organically. why was it so damn hard for me to tell her i smirked because she looked SO damn fine. why do i cry to myself and can never show her with those tears of how much everything meant to me. why couldn't i say those 3 simple words out loud but only whispered silently in my heart. and so i spent so much time playing in this game of who can have more power by being possessive, by forcing myself to fit into what it means to be this person she was looking for when i coulda just been me. and i could never just simply stop, and just let the moment take its course because i just couldn't stop thinking about tomorrow. what about tomorrow. is she still gonna be here. how can i keep her here. why? why do i do that? why did i think about that. why i couldn't just continued being the awesome person that i am. would that have made a difference in how i felt during those 7 months. damn she was my kryptonite. tryin' to hold on to the game that was a losing game from the start. and here i am. reflecting. when 9 months ago will still be 9 months ago and tomorrow is going to still be...just tomorrow.